More Ponderings:

Why would Dodge make a car called Ram?
I should stop doing these. they are kinda boring huh?
Can you put a Gay man in a straight jacket?

Denial.Rejection.Refusal

I hate those words. What a terrible title to use. But I have none better.
Bravo! very impressive. I bet you found it accidently didnt you?
Mini Guapo If you can read this I would like to congrate you!
Date #4 Let me know of your genious though, I'd like to know so comment If you can read this little bit of white text. I like leaving surprises :)
We went downtown and walked around window shopping. I love going down there to just wander around among all the lights, excitement and busy people hurrying about.
I should put more spaces in so I can fill them up with random words.
We went in Tilt, the arcade, and he played two games of DDR. He is getting really good and can dance to many on Standard difficulty. I enjoy watching people who are as quick as he is.
Mini Guapo taught me a new word on date three: Pulchritude.
It started to rain again, but this time it was really coming down hard. We headed back to the car and drove to his house. For dinner we had really yummy soup. I had a few refills before dessert which was a pumpkin cake and cream cheese roll. –Mmm…it was heavenly. We then watched the musical “Thoroughly Modern Millie”. During the movie's intermission we ate really delicious homemade peppermint ice cream that his dad made. The real El Guapo asked me to kindly remove all the places/names so now its empty.
After the movie we decided that I’d better get heading home. He drove me to where my car was parked and on the way he asked me if I would ever consider dating.

He wanted to be my boyfriend. And I told him that we couldn’t have that. I am not ready for that kind of relationship right now with him. And truthfully I don’t know if I would ever be ready. The hardest part is that I don’t have any clear reasons. There are many I could write but so many of them can be looked past or overcome.

I really like hanging out with him. I always have loads of fun with him and he is always making me laugh. His family is sweet, nice and seem to enjoy my company. I truly hope that we can be good friends although we live so very far away.

I had been blind to his intentions and now I've rejected him. I feel awful. I do however know that we wouldn't have worked out. I am so sorry. Five guys have now asked me out and I've said no to all five.

Absolutes:

-Everyone hates the way that their voice sounds on an answering machine
-We are all addicted (don't say you are not because you will be lying)
-We all engage in trangressive behaviours (however we justify them well)
-We all have an accent. some sound better than others though
-Everyone has thought that there were hidden cameras watching them at some point (and most believe that their life is camera-worthy) I love you Crisco! I have fun coming up with responses to your comments.
Feel free to add your own to the list

Lunch with Mr. Brown

Yumm… You gotta love Fazolis! Whoever thought of making Italian fast food is a genious! Mmmm....Toasty! Quiznos Rules!
I made a "Build your own pasta" -Fettacini Alfredo topped with Garlic Shrimp. And Brown got a Grilled Chicken Panini. We ate plenty of those delicious Garlic Breadsticks (They are the reason I go there. he, he) Here is another secret message (he, he)
While there his Coach Chris of many fond years came in with his son. And on our way out we ran into Heather Zundel going in with her mom. Goodness its been forever since I've seen her. What fun.
I love ya Mr. Brown. Lets go to lunch again sometime :)

100 things you may or may not know about me

11- I haven't seen a whole movie that I've sat through for a while now.
12- I am evolving: I am learning to sleep places I never thought possible
13- I love holding hands,
14- I think warm oatmeal cookies go best with a cool glass of apple juice
15- Christmas time is so very Merry and I couldnt love the feeling more
16- It's one o'clock but I am not sleepy yet tonight. I wonder why
I plan on it hitting me soon though
17- I dream most before I fall asleep and after I wake in the mornings
18- I love sleeping in late for no reason other than that I love my cozy feather bed
19- Lying in my bed feels like a big bear hug Mmmm...
20- I love big bear hugs. But not as much as I love holding hands

Vince

Date number? Sorry I really haven't a clue. Maybe 789, or 864 :)
We went to his work Christmas party. Too bad he recently started and is kinda antisocial at work. However his sister, bro-in-law and cute nephew was there to hang out with. Santa came and gave his nephew a huge Tonka truck. The two year old was driving like a maniac hitting ankles, shoes, tables, chairs and other innocent victims. But the laughs were certainly worth it. There has been major drinking at this party other years. Too bad not this year. I love laughing at the crazy things drunks do. -Please dont judge me because I wrote that folks okay?
Movie after at my house. Bourne Supremacy. (I saw Bourne Identity last week with Adonis, but too bad I won't be writing anything about that adventure for you all to read.) Then we had a political debate which I somehow started. NOT a good idea folks! We had our first ever "argument" last Saturday. It's certainly a good thing he loves me too much to kill me :) Michael would be very sad to know that Bryon held my hand first :(
"Come the millennium month twelve in the home of the greatest power, The village idiot will come forth to be acclaimed the leader." -Nostradamus, 1555

My first Blind Date

I have not laughed so hard in my entire life!
My gut hurt, my smile hurt, and my heart hurt because I knew I could never have him. Boondocks for dinner. He must have read my mind because I LOVE phillipino food! Comedy show downtown after. Again I must say that I haven't laughed so good for too long. Cute guy, sweet, return missionary, super sense of humor, gentleman. He was everything I want...And more :)
Problem? again I am too young, and my sister hooked us up. -This means that he originally thought I was more like her. I think I thoroughly disappointed him. We also doubled with sweet Winx and she is everything I am not. He loved her many ever-changing facial expressions. Come on, who doens't? Oh well, I set a new record for my laugh hurting so much :)

Mini Guapo

We went on date number three Saturday afternoon. The first was a BBQ in Ogden and the second a ward party and movie.
We ate lunch at European Connections in Jordan Landing. We had plenty of time so we visited Circuit City to play some Xbox. The movie we saw was Pride and Predudice, its a really good chick-flick. Afterwards we got ice cream at Cold Stone Creamery. I got a "Peanut Butter Cup Perfection." -Mmm, that is so good!
We listened to the same different music and had the same GREAT time as the first two. We had a nice after date chit-chat in the car outside my house. He is a great gentleman -it seems all very natural for him :) Dang why does he have to be so extremely hot?

Mr. Retreat

Two Saturdays ago my student ward had a winter retreat at a cabin in Park City. I went to the institute to join a carpool heading up the canyon, and there he was: Mr. tall, dark, handsome, big truck, muscular, corduroys and that captivating smile. He opened all the doors –we weren’t on a date. The reason I carpooled with him is because Adonis was working late. Sometimes great things come from unfortunate situations. After a dinner of salad, wussy rolls and instant potatoes, he asked me on a date for Friday.
On the date: We ate a delicious homemade dinner (which he made entirely by himself) at his studio apartment. I have never eaten better on a date EVER! We were joined my his sister and brother-in-law. Afterwards we went to Chronicals of Narnia downtown. Both dates he has given me really good gum. I gotta have more :)
Stats:
He is going to ITT tech to learn how to make video games for a living. He is 24 yrs old and doesn’t know I am only 18 yet. He invited me to go caroling with his family sunday.
He grew up in Oklahoma. His youngest sisters name is mine and the sister I met is my newest friend. He could pull off being a firefighter. (Ya, he is that tough) He wears the same deodorant that Vince, Curtis and Adonis does. EVERYONE seems to wear it
I would love to go on a second :)

2 ½ years

Mr. Brown seems to think I am well experienced in the world of dating because I date much more than him. I however, disagree. I know next to nothing. I am confident that I won’t be an expert dater until I have been in every imaginable situation with every kind of guy in every stage of relationship. This is quite impossible of course. But I am going to start now to get as much experience as possible. Perhaps I will write little bits about every date I go on from now on. Well maybe I'll start with a month ago and work up. I have only 2 ½ years left to gain all of this knowledge and experience. That isn’t very much time…I had better get to work :)

Love….Drama?

No, I don’t really think so…At least not anymore.
Not since Adonis taught me patience. Yes I know he didn’t do it intentionally, but it is because of him that I no longer think love is dramatic. Heather's love life is WAY dramatic though.
Now I am not talking about the drama that includes excitement, liveliness, and surprise because I think love has plenty of that; I mean the stressful drama. The kind of drama you feel when you think too much about why things are/aren’t happening. If you are always worrying about what to do concerning your confusing love life you may relate to this kind of drama.

The reason I don’t think my love life is dramatic is because I just don’t think too much about it all. I have learned to because I would have gone crazy long by now trying to figure mine out. I have learned to just let things happen. How can anyone fall in love when they are freaking out about how dramatic love is? Your love-life is only dramatic if YOU choose to make it so.

GrizzlyButt

What is wrong with me?
Not only is he my friend, but he is completely off limits. He loves his girlfriend and she will someday marry him. Yet…again and again he tempts me. He gave me a taste and then ripped it away. I almost want to say those words but I mustn’t because they can’t be true.
The words are: I like him alot. Boring huh?
We are opposites in everyway my dear. You may love me some, but it is only a tear compared to the ocean of love you have for her. So why? Why do you take me to fancy, exotic places? Why must you put your arm around me as we watched a movie? It is all a lie and you are more aware of it than I. you are playing with me. I am your cure for loneliness while she is away. And although I know you only think of her when you are with me I am swept away. She and I happen to wear the same perfume. I know that isn’t the only reason you like me, but it is certainly deep in the explanation.
The perfume I wear is Ralph Lauren. Mmm that stuff is yummy
How can I love and hate you at the same time? We were the best buds in Elementary, oh how I wish I could turn back time. I wanted you to be mine; we loved each other before we knew what it love was. He had long hair in Elem :)
I just wish you would stop.playing.with.my.heart!-I could say that a 2nd time!
I simply can not take it anymore. My heart is elsewhere now; miles away from you. So stop playin’ your games. My heart can not be stolen away by the likes of you. No. I will resist. No amount of compliments or sweet talk will change my mind. You have to go. No matter what I have written here I still love the guy. He means too much to me.
Sorry, although I just barely told you I was interested, I won’t be going on that other “buddy” date with you. It really is cruel what you’re doing to me. But you put me through it none-the-less. You don’t care about me so stop saying it. –you need me. You NEED me……because you don’t have her.

I said this, and then you said that...

By dating Adonis I am learning a lot about myself. The largest of these is that I have a superb memory.
I can remember conversations that I have had with people years ago. And most of what I recall had no emotional impact on me. By simply pausing for a moment I can transport myself through time and space. And sitting before me will be you. Stored in my mind are thousands of words that form conversation and I can usually recall it all; including body language. Crazy enough I might just remember exactly what you are wearing. To many of you, you are probably the same way. But there are quite a few folks out there who aren’t, and it’s not because they don’t care. There is probably something much more demanding running through their thoughts. I am forever grateful for my mind and its great memory. I can’t imagine life without that vault of past conversations.

What do you think?

I began writing this back in January, it is my first attempt to write a fantasy:

The darkness flew past Aurora, as Merideth galloped swiftly through the Ruelar Woods. Her silk covered body moved as one with her Arabian stallion.

He needed her to hurry; they needed her. The people of the Dreka Village were a curious people, only coming out at night. They feared her powers greatly, but needed her badly. She would not give up until she could help them. She could feel the presence of the magical Adamantium Mountains as she drew closer.

The Jenyo which hung on a chain over her heart began glowing red…a warning of danger. -An evil was lurking near. She could feel it closing in around her. The Beast knew she was there, and He would soon show himself.

She could not stop for anything. She had not slept in three days now. But tonight she would stop and rest after she arrived in the village with him.

Merideth was the prime stallion; the fastest stallion in the old world. Looking down she could see the muscles rippling beneath her. The glossy coat looked mystical in the darkness.

Aurora loved riding fast. It made her feel like she was riding Adriean, the Emerald Dragon again. The last time she flew, she was with Rueben her love.

She could see the light growing ahead of her. They were almost out of the Woods. Suddenly something jumped out in front of them. Then there were three, then six. Their weapons were raised. Merideth skidded to a stop in front of them. Two-foot tall warriors surrounded them. They had long white beards and bald heads. They had masks covering their eyes, and were speaking to each other in a language she did not understand. They had bare chests and loin cloths. They were all draped with stone-bead necklaces. Many had little spears with poisoned tips, but others had arrows.

Aurora reached for her razor-sharp dagger. Before she had even pulled it out, one of them shot her in the back. In fury she swung around and threw the dagger. Before she could see if she hit her target, everything went black as she fell off her stallion
I hope you all like it. I wont be finishing it no matter what you think though. Sad I know, but I dont have it in me anymore.
So what do you think, should I continue?

YOU ARE STILL IN THIS GAME

Today I was listening to a CD of mine while in the car.
(You have a copy of it by the way.)
First I’d like to say that I love good lyrics.
Some music has them and many do not.
But this CD is full of the best.

I salute you for your courage
I applaud your perseverance
I embrace you for your faith in the face of adversarial forces

I support you in your trusting
I commend you for your wisdom
I'm amazed by your surrender in the face of threatening forces

And for some reason the mood of the song reminded me of you…
I find myself thinking of you more and more lately. And so I write this for you.

However, I have decided to tell you through this channel in hopes that you will assume I am talking to someone other than yourself. For reasons that I am not sure about.
I cannot express in words what I think when thoughts of you enter my mind.
I am so filled with joy and peace when memories glide through my thoughts.I look up to you; you are my true superior in every way. Your ability to love; your understanding of me surpasses my own. You are still a better bowler than I. I am not so sure anymore if I hurt you more that I hurt myself when I chose someone over you. My heart still aches and burns in regret for those times long past. Sometimes they say I like F.M. for more reasons than I realize. And I agree. I know I love their music for what it is, but also because of whom I think of when I listen to them. And I know I am just going to frustrate you when you read this. I realize that. And I timidly accept it. Some things must be said. I was once dishonest with you. And it is eating me up inside, so this is my confession. You read something that I wrote while you were going out with your cuddle-buddy. It relit something deep within you, yet it also confused you. It was on your mind for days on end. You even spoke to BassChik about your concern. You weren’t sure how to respond or how to feel about my declaration. That is when I told you it was old, that I wrote it back when I chose over you. However that was NOT the case. I wrote it the same day that I posted it. and dang, it was as pure as gold and as true as anything. Now don’t freak out on me, it’s not true today. But that is only because I am getting really good at suppressing my feelings...