Lex: My could-have-been Husband

Two Thursdays ago I met a really amazing guy, his name is Lex. My other guy friend Dane introduced us after our institute class. In moments we were laughing together and chatting politics. We debated about illegal immigrants, the downfall of the American education system, and the issue of over-crowded prisons. Right off we meshed well together. We talked about our past difficulties and our plans for the future. Time flew by so quickly when I was talking with him. At some point Dane wandered off without my knowledge to play pool. After talking for an hour or so, we joined in the game. With his arms around me he showed me how to hold the stick, and he really encouraged me although I was not doing so hot. It sure had been a long time since I have felt so comfortable being so close to such a complete stranger. We played two games and then I went to pick up a friend at a tennis game. The feeling I left with that day was almost, well magical…

So last Friday, eight days after our first meeting I saw him again. He asked if we could go on a walk together, I consented. Being a gentleman he carried my bag and opened all the doors on the way out. He began by telling me that he recently had a dream. About me. At this point I was slightly confused; however I was thirsty for more details. He told me how he went to the temple the night we met. He read his patriartical blessing and his scriptures while there. He then went home and had an amazing dream about me. He views it as some type of revelation or answer in his search for a companion. Okay on the outside I am doing a great job taking all this in, yet inside I am quite freaked out. He interprets this to mean I am very mature for my age and considers us to be on the same maturity level despite our age difference.

He then goes deep into detail about this vivid, romantic dream he’s had with us in it. It took him almost an hour to tell me about it. He was very descriptive. He explained the smells in the air, and the things we said. He even described what we were wearing and what we ate. It was a long dream with a complex plot and a million minor characters. We became King and Queen in some magical land of mermaids. We waltzed, flew around clouds, and even visited Lagoon during winter. Lex is very observant while awake and asleep! He contemplated telling me for a week before he finally decided to. At this point he has been extremely in love with me because of this relationship we supposedly developed in this dream of his. He proposed to become more than friends. He said he wanted to simply skip the casual dating stage and become a couple right off. He talked about going to the temple with me and eventually marrying me! After a long silence he said "No, I do not want to wait that long. What's the point? Gc, we were ment to be, we need to get married...and SOON!"

Now don’t get too weird on me. I decided to with hold some important information from you. Fact: he has been married before, for eight years. He was divorced in February after discovering his wife cheated on him. He has never met his father and hasn’t spoken to his mother for a year. And lastly, he is 32 years old! And the terrible thing is that he is convinced that I am the One for him. My goodness, and that’s when he asked me what I was thinking. I did not freak out, I did not rudely march off, and I didn’t scream curses. I held it all in, and I somehow suppressed my urge to flee. As sweetly as I could, I explained to him how things would never turn out. I could never marry anyone that old because the world around me would freak. I couldn’t marry someone who has been married for so long before.

I terribly crushed him. He gave me his heart and I threw it back. I can not even explain the crap I have been going through. But I justify by saying that there was no other way. Our relationship had to end then and there. If he ever sees me again, he is going to be reminded of the romantic dream he had with me. Every time I walk by, his heart will be re-bruised.

Eight days. It only took eight days. This must be some sick, twisted new record for me. In that short of time he fell in love with me, and just as quickly I burned him…

At least this time I wasn’t confused or blind about my feelings. I knew. I knew with every fiber of my being that he wasn’t the right guy. And I am glad that I didn’t know him longer, because the rejection would have hurt him so much more. However….despite all my justifications…..

I still continue to feel so unworthy of any persons’ love. Don’t give me your heart, because I will not know what to do with it. I am shamefully good at hurting the men that like me. Don’t risk yourself. Take back all those sweet words; you must leave while you are still intact. I cannot endure seeing myself hurt someone again….especially a someone that I love