I am certainly certain:

My Heavenly Father loves me.
I am one of His daughters.
I enjoy killing spiders.
The church is true!
I’m not good at holding grudges.
I don’t want to get married until I’m at least 21.
Mountain Dew looks like horse urine.
Toothbrushes have many uses.
Super-gluing your fingers together sucks.
Track is a mental sport.
All government is going to become corrupt.
Painting worn-out white shoes makes ‘em look new.
I don’t write poetry because it’s cute.
I will marry a Returned Missionary.
Liberals are pro-abortion.
I will not put up with people who are reckless with my heart.
R-rated movies are R for a good reason.
The alpine slide is exhilarating, but expensive.
Working at Quiznos has resulted in my gaining excessive weight.
I will get old and wrinkly LONG before I am ready.
Duct tape fixes everything…but hearts.
Flogging Molly is an Irish punk rock group.
I do not look good in a bikini.
My feet smell better than yours anyday.